A Father's Gift

With Evie so young and us being right in the middle of RSV season, Justin and I alternate who goes to church. Since one of us stays home each week, the other one takes detailed notes on what members spoke about during Sacrament meeting so that we can bring the spirit into our home. 

Well, this last week, Justin came home with some spiritual insights from Elder Nelson's recent talk. One of the insights included “as we read the Book of Mormon daily, we will be blessed to know what decisions to make that day.”

 If you didn't know, since Evie was born she's had a tricky time eating and an even trickier time pooping (often with blood). We've tried everything from helping her with gas and her poops, trying to reduce her acid reflux, to taking her to many a doctor appointments and trying all sort of different things to help her feel better. Almost two months ago she was diagnosed by a GI with a dairy allergy so I changed my diet and cut out all dairy (including any food item processed in a facility that also processed dairy items). Nursing has been really important to me, but helping Evie to be happy and healthy has always been more important. 

This past Sunday afternoon through to Monday morning, Evie started really having a difficult time with getting her poops out again. It wasn't new, but this time she also wouldn’t nurse more than 5 minutes every few hours or take breast milk from a bottle. And the blood in each of her diapers was the worst I’ve seen it since she was born. We figured the allergy must also include soy (which is in everything). In a single afternoon we went from having made the decision to continue to breastfeed and be more diligent about not eating dairy, to moving her straight from breast milk to a hypoallergenic formula…

… and she hated it. The crying was absolutely awful on Monday. I could tell she was so hungry and was wondering why I wouldn’t feed her what she wanted. To be fair, the Alimentum formula smells awful and I’m sure it tastes awful too. Evie didn’t want the bottle. She didn’t want the formula. She wanted her mommy and I wasn’t giving it to her when I knew I could. Needless to say I spent my entire day in tears as she and I battled for hours to get her to eat even an ounce of formula.

When the morning had begun I'd said a prayer that she and I would be able to figure the formula out. I had the thought to read the Book of Mormon. I didn’t. Instead I did some work for Book Review 22 because I knew I likely wouldn’t have time later and I’d already put it off for one day. The morning was the struggle I expected and when Evie went down for her nap I was heartbroken from her cries. I prayed again for Heavenly Father’s help and again had the impression to read the Book of Mormon. 

I knew the Book of Mormon wouldn’t straight up say “this is how to get your baby to eat formula” and thought that I could better spend my time Googling how to help her but I remembered the promise that Justin had brought home on Sunday. If I was going to ask for Heavenly Father’s help, then I needed to take it when he gave it to me. I read the last chapter in 1st Nephi. I gleaned some better understanding of the chapter and highlighted a few versus, but I was right: it didn’t specifically tell me how to help her. The rest of the day went a tad better but was still very difficult. Evie did not like or want the formula.

At the end of the day, Justin and I spent hours trying to get her to eat something, anything. I had to go take a shower (where I sat and cried as I could hear her screaming and crying in the room next door). Had I been alone, I likely would’ve breastfed her just so she knew mommy loved her. It broke my heart again. I had the thought “Heavenly Father, I did what you asked. I read the Book of Mormon but I still don’t know what to do. My baby is starving and won’t eat and I don’t know how to help.” At this point we’d been struggling for over an hour with her. We were about to put her to bed hungry – another jab at my already disintegrating heart – thinking that when she awoke she’d be hungry enough to eat anything. I had the quiet thought to just offer the bottle again.

We offered it again – something we’d already tried multiple times - and under 10 minutes she ate the entire thing and drifted off to sleep with a full tummy and a tired body. It was a small blessing to have her eat the 4 ounces of formula, but just what I needed to be able to rest myself. 

I’m so grateful for my Father in Heaven and for the answers He gives to me when I’ve done everything I can do. Nothing has ever brought me to my knees quite like being a mother has. But I’m so grateful for those times, those gifts from a loving Father, that not only help me grow stronger as a mother, but strengthen my testimony and reliance on a Father in Heaven who will never leave me alone.

It’s now been three days of formula only and Evie takes the bottle and formula much better although I’m sure she’d still prefer to nurse if I gave her the option. The constipation (which was yesterday’s battle) seems to have passed for the most part and she is overall happy and, most importantly, blood-free. Here’s to her little body continuing to heal and just get stronger and stronger over time.